Let's go through what I think are some typical abuser red flags.
Denial: I think this is the biggest one. When confronted with accusations by the victim or others who want to get down to the truth behind the victim's accusations (or signs the victim may be consciously or unconsciously displaying, e.g. extreme shyness and self-isolation), they will never own up to it. - Ryan O'Neal (father and abuser of Tatum O'Neal) has publicly denied and refused to acknowledge the allegations made by his daughter in her autobiography, A Paper Life. He has been quoted on the subject saying "It is a sad day when malicious lies are told in order to become a 'best-seller'."
- Debbie Mathers-Briggs (mother and abuser of Marshall Mathers III, rapper name "Eminem") went public trying to disclaim her son's accusations of abuse: In her tell-all book "My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem", Nelson [her new marital surname] reveals, "After his first album 'Infinite' flopped, he reinvented himself as white trailer trash with a crazy welfare mom. I was shocked when I first heard the lyrics - but he constantly reassured me it was all a big joke. I went along with it for Marshall's sake."
Nelson insists she is now tired of being criticized for her supposed poor parenting skills, and has written the tome to "set the record straight". - Joe Jackson (father and abuser of Michael Jackson) owned up to physically abusing his children in an interview with Louis Theroux for a BBC TV documentary in 2003 - but he didn't call it physical abuse. Joe admitted to smacking his children under the guise of discipline, but has never publicly acknowledged his psychological destruction tactics against his son.
Rejection: I've noticed that, once the victim comes forward (or someone else does on their behalf), the abuser almost always immediately cuts them off from their lives. Not only that, but in some cases they will even go so far as to publicly announce that, for whatever reason, the victim is "dead" to them.
- Ryan O'Neal was quoted as saying he hates his son Griffin, and "A couple of [my children] I would take back." "I don't think I was supposed to be a father. Just look around at my work–they're either in jail or they should be." How vile.
- Debbie Mathers-Briggs estranged herself from her famous son once he went public with her abuse, but now that she is allegedly dying of cancer, she seeks to reconcile. In a recent article from "The Mirror", she claims: "I am dying of cancer, but my son Eminem won't pay to save me."
- Joe Jackson and Michael were estranged for many years after Michael first told of his abusive childhood during an interview with Oprah in the early 90s. They apparently didn't reconcile until shortly before his death - at least, that's how the story goes. I'm not sure I believe it.
Exploiting: The abuser, seeing that the victim is in a position to better their life and overcome their maltreatment, will try to claim any victory the victim makes for his or herself. Sometimes by outright stealing, sometimes by trying to ride on the coattails of success, as if to say "I made you". It doesn't just happen to celebrities. For example, I've seen couples divorce, the abused partner go on to buy themselves a house, and the abuser return out of the blue trying to sue for half under the guise of having helped the abused partner make the money they used to buy the house.
- Ryan O'Neal has been criticized in the media for the end of his relationship with Farrah Fawcett, with many people believing he only remained by her side until death in hopes of getting the lion's share of her wealth in her will. At one point he was in vocal support of Tatum writing an autobiography, hoping to benefit from the sales, until she published incriminating accusations against him.
- Debbie Mathers-Briggs actually sued her son. Other mothers who have been embarrassed by their famous children's actions go public and express concern for their children, try to get them professional help, or otherwise try to intervene - they don't care so much about their own image, it's about saving the child. Britney Spears' mom, for all his mistakes, is such an example. Amy Winehouse's family has also done this. But when Eminem attacked her in his first album, his mother sued him and won millions of dollars in damages. She's also written her own rap song in retaliation against Eminem (the title of which escapes me, please Google it if you're interested), wrote a book, and with her new husband operates a website on her son where you have to pay to have access to prescious childhood memories and little known facts.
- Joe Jackson's behavior towards Michael has always been in-your-face despicable. Clearly, he set up the Jackson 5 to benefit himself and himself alone - his children's success was a mere byproduct. But I think it's very telling how he's behaved especially after news of Michael's death. During an interview with CNN, Joe came on air and promptly opened the interview with a plug for his own hip-hop recording project. He was labeled as insensitive, and came out again a few days later in a press conference saying he had honestly answered a question about what he had been doing, and mentioned his recording project again before going on to praise Michael's life and work.
"Crazymaking": I think this is another big one. The abuser will usually try to benefit from the victim's destroyed image by appearing near-immaculate in comparision, believing that others will see them as "clearly innocent" and the victim as "self-destructive" or just a plain liar. Most of the time, if enough time passes for people to watch their situation, people stop buying into the guise.
- Ryan O'Neal used to play this game with Tatum, separating himself from her and her, not attending her wedding, and otherwise living the good life dating Farrah Fawcett and making movies, enjoying a long career. But now it seems the sympathy tide is shifting in Tatum's favor, and Ryan actually helped to support her case by making it public that he hit on her at Farrah Fawcett's funeral like the cad he was always accused to be.
- Debbie Mathers-Briggs is still holding on to her "good mom with a bad son" image, but the public stopped buying a long time ago - she's just self-deluding. Eminem is clearly damaged (and looks as if he might stay that way, sadly), but he's gained a lot of support because people are starting to believe his claims. Not excuse him - just believe him. Family members and friends, including Eminem's ex-wife and Eminem's brother Nathan, have spoken out against Debbie in support of what Eminem's described of her.
- Michael Jackson gained the majority of his sympathy vote after his death, as clearly the media that once battered him to a pulp with the "Wacko Jacko" label, is starting to side with him. People are coming forward with more and more insights into Michael Jackson's life, and his character is getting more layers added to it. Joe Jackson is gradually being painted as more and more of the tyrant he was always accused by Michael and the rest of his children to be. Joe is helping them along with his insensitive public appearances, too.
I'm definitely no expert, these are just some of my observations. Comparing it to my own experiences, I think all the criteria matches up. If you were ever a victim of any type of prolonged abuse, look back and see if these red flags could describe your abuser. Then I'd encourage you to look around your life. Maybe the kid next door that you always thought was a delinquent has something deeper going on with his parents. Or maybe that woman across your desk at work next to the photocopying machine has something eerily similar going on with the boyfriend that picks her up every afternoon at 5.
Just a thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment