How Do You Know?

I've found a really good online questionnaire to help you determine whether or not you're being emotionally abused. The original test comes from a site on emotionally abusive mothers, at http://eqi.org. I've modified it slightly so that the questions are applicable to any situation.

1. Does he/she tend to be unforgiving? Does he/she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that" or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you."
2. Does he/she make unforgiving comments about other people by saying things like "What he did was unforgivable."
3. Is it hard or impossible for he/she to admit mistakes?
4. Does he/she always have to have the last word?
5. Is it important for him/her that he/she always appears to be right and to win all the arguments?
6. Does he/she make you feel responsible for his/her feelings (for happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?
7. Does he/she tell you he/she is disappointed in you?
8. Does he/she ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things I do for you."
9. Does he/she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart. But you are not." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"
10. Does he/she say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?
11. When you say something which is too close to the truth or when you point out how he/she is acting hypocriticaly does he/she feel threatened and say things like: "Don't get smart with me" or "That's absurd" or "You have no idea what you are talking about" or "What gives you the right to say that?" or "How dare you say that?"
12. Does he/she threaten you with statements like "If you ever do that again..." or "The next time I catch you..." Or "This is the last time..."
13. Does he/she punish you with grounding, taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.? Or, in more adult circumstances, withholding financial information, restricting phone and computer use, controlling who you associate with, etc.?
14. Does he/she threaten you with total rejection by saying things like: "Get out of the house and never come back." or "I don't want to ever talk to you again." or "If you leave, don't plan on coming back."
15. Has he/she ever locked you out of the house?
16. Does he/she make you believe you are a bad friend/companion/partner by saying things like "What did I do to deserve you?" or"All the others have friends/companions/partners who ... , but I got stuck with you." or "Why can't you be like so and so?" $or "Why can't you be more like so and so?"
17. Do you ever feel hated by him/her?
18. Does he/she tell you what you "should" do a lot?
19. Has he/she ever hit you on the arms, back, shoulders or head?
20. Has he/she ever pulled you by the hair?
21. Has he/she ever try to physically stop you from getting out of the house?
22. Has he/she ever pulled the phone line out when you were talking on it? (Or taken it out of your hands and hung up?)
23. Has he/she ever disconnected the computer while you were on it?
24. Has he/she ever slapped you in the face?
25. Has he/she slapped you in the past 6 months? 30 days?
26. Does he/she say things like "Oh great. This is all I need" or "This is just what I need right now" in a sarcastic way, when you are trying to tell him/her how you feel about a situation?
27. Does he/she say things like "I can't believe you would do something like that!" or 'I can't believe you would think that!" or "How could you say a thing like that?"
28. Do you find yourself apologizing a lot to him/her?
29. Does he/she make exaggerated threats like "If you don't do such and such, you are going to ... for the rest of your life."
30. Does he/she make vague threats like "Either do it or else" or "There is going to be big trouble around here..."
31. Has he/she ever said "I didn't ask you what you wanted!"
32. Does he/she ever say things like, "If you love me, you will follow my rules."
33. Does he/she ever say "Don't you dare...."
34. Does he/she say things like "Don't talk to me like that." or "Don't ever let me hear you say that again."
35. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so disrespectful." or "Don't be so rude."
36. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so selfish."
37. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so inconsiderate."
38. When you ask him/her for explanations does he/she say things like: "Because it isn't normal." or "Because it is not the done thing." Or "Because you just don't do that." or "Because it is sick." or "Because it is strange" or "Because it is wrong." or "Because it is a sin." or "Because I said so." or "Because I know more than you."
39. Does he/she say things like, "I don't want to hear anymore about it."
40. Does he/she say things like, "Don't get fresh with me!"
41. Does he/she get hurt easily?
42. Does he/she get defensive easily?
43. Do you ever say things like "He/she would kill me if..."
44. Do you ever tell yourself or others that you can't do things because it would hurt him/her too much, or make him/her upset?
45. Does he/she say things like: "You can keep your comments to yourself" or "I don't want to hear any of your excuses." or "Save it. I am not interested." or "I don't remembering asking for your opinion." or "I don't need your smart mouth." or "I don't need any back talk from you." or "Who asked you?" or "Did I ask you what you wanted?"
46. Does he/she say things like, "Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you." or "Look at me when I am talking to you."?
47. Does he/she interrupt you when you are talking?
48. If someone asks you a question, does he/she sometimes answer it before you have a chance to?
49. If someone asks you a question when he/she is with you, do you sometimes look over to him/her before you answer it?
50. If someone asks you a question when he/she is with you, are you sometimes afraid to give the true answer?
51. Would you lie about being hurt or abused by someone else to avoid hurting him/her or to keep the family together?
52. Does he/she say things like "Well, I told you that was a bad idea, didn't I?" or "I warned you that would happen, but you didn't listen, did you?"
53. Does he/she ask questions that include the answer, such as "That wasn't very polite of you, was it?" or "You left the milk out again, didn't you?"
54. Does he/she say things like "Who do you think you are talking to me like that?"
55. Does he/she say things like "I am the one who is supposed to be asking the questions."
56. Does he/she say things like "You look like a tramp." or "You look like a slut."
57. Does he/she try to control what you wear by saying things like "You're not going out dressed like that I hope." or "Don't wear those shoes with that outfit. They don't match." or "Why don't you wear your red dress to the party?"
58. Does he/she buy you things that he/she knows you don't really want and then feel hurt if you try to tell him/her they are not what you wanted?
59. Does he/she tell you how to do your hair?
60. Does he/she start brushing your hair or changing it without asking you in a way that you would prefer he/she didn't?
61. Does he/she argue with you about your clothes or hair?
62. Do you often feel interrogated with a lot of questions like "Why is this towel here?" "Why are your shoes in the middle of the floor?" "Why did you take that glass instead of a smaller one?" "Why can't you go to her house later?"
63. Does he/she want to know who you are talking to on the telephone or chatting with on the Internet?
64. Does he/she pry in to your private life? Has he/she ever read your diary without your permission? Does he/she come into your room without knocking or waiting for you to answer?
65. Does he/she taunt you by saying things like: "If I am such a companion/partner why don't you just go live somewhere else."
66. Does he/she intimidate you with statements like, "You are going to break my heart if you do so and so." or "You are going to be the death of me."
67. Does he/she imply that you are a bad influence on other people?
68. Does he/she just expect you to do things for him/her without thanking you?
69. Does he/she say things like "What did I just tell you?" or "Were you listening to anything I just said?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"
70. Does he/she ask you questions about herself which are designed to make you feel guitly such as "Why do you hate me?" "Why do you think I am such a horrible companion/partner?"
71. Does he/she often give you the "silent treatement" to show his/her disapproval, as a form of control, or to induce guilty feelings?
72. Does he/she want you to act happy even when you are not?
73. Does he/she deny things which you know for a fact are true?
74. Does he/she take things personally when they were not meant to be about him/her?
75. Does he/she say things like "I know you better than you know yourself"?
76. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "I need you to..."?
77. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "You need to..."?
78. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "You have to..."?
79. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so paranoid?"
80. Does he/she say things like "You are too sensitive."?
81. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so dramatic."?
82. Does he/she say things like "Don't think so much."
83. Does he/she say things like "Why don't you ever smile?", "Smile," "Cheer up."?
84. Does he/she say things like, "Go ... until you can pull yourself together?", "Go ... until I tell you to come out?"
85. Does he/she say things like "With everything I do for you, the least you can do is..."?
86. Does he/she say things like "What's the problem? Why are you crying?"
87. Does he/she say things like "What's wrong with you?" ... in a judgmental or disapproving tone?
88. Does he/she say things like "You are a disgrace to the family/me"?
89. Does he/she say things like "If you want to be treated like an adult, you will have to act like one"?
90. Has he/she ever thrown things at you?
91. Does he/she tell you not to tell people about problems in the family?
92. Has he/she ever gotten angry at you for telling someone something about the family?
93. Has he/she ever gotten angry at you for telling someone you are depressed?
94. Has he/she ever told you to stop crying?
95. Does he/she often tell you to stop complaining?
96. Does he/she often complain about how your house/room looks?
97. Are there a lot of things you are afraid to tell him/her?
98. Does he/she tell you that you can't do a lot of things you want to do because you are too dumb, weak, or too immature?
99. Does he/she blame you for not being able to do the things he/she wanted to with his/her life?
100. Does he/she blame you for things which were not your fault, such as "You are the reason your best friend died." or "You are the reason your father started drinking again."
101. Have you ever seen him/her drunk?
102. Have you seen him/her drunk in the last 2 weeks?

Obviously most of the questions are tailored towards a parent-child dynamic, but I find that's what most emotionally abusive situations are like: the abuser sees themself as the superior of the abused.

I think if you can answer about 60% of the questions with a "Yes", it's safe to say you're in an emotionally abusive situation.

***If you'd like to view the unaltered original questionaire for determining if you have an emotionally abusive mother, please visit http://eqi.org and click on the link titled "Mother Test" at the bottom of the main page!