How Did They Do It?

A couple of weeks ago I finished a 4-part superficial case study on the lives of some celebrities who lived through emotional abuse, survived, and went on to live better lives - even though life originally dealt them spoiled cards. Thanks for bearing with me through a long blog break! Now we can finally look at these cases and take them apart.

Antwone Fisher was abused by his foster family growing up, and by the time he was 18 he was living on the streets. Now he's a heralded African-American poet and screenplay writer.

Janice Dickinson was abused by her father growing up, ran away from home at age 15, and had nearly nothing going for her but her good looks. But she became one of the world's most recognizable supermodels, and today she's still a big name in the fashion industry from the veteran's side.

Christina Aguilera was also abused by her father, but her mother made their escape when she was a young girl. She went on to become an accomplished singer with several Grammy awards under her belt.

Finally, Drew Barrymore grew up with an abusive father in the wings and a negligent mother, but is now a model, a highly sought-after actress, and the founder of her own film production company.

And there are so many more famous survivors out there that I would have loved to give tribute to in full, but the list is just too long for me to fit here!

So what do all of these seemingly unrelated big names have in common? What is it that each of them did (or had going for them) that helped them to twist their fates around in their favor?

I'm no expert, but there are a few things that stuck out to me that I'll post here.

Awareness: Each one of the celebrities that we've looked at so far, I've noticed, were all very aware of their situations when they were being abused. To put it more clearly, they all recognized they were being abused. Not one of them internalized their experiences as normal behavior, or treatment of another human being, even though it was happening to them only and even though they had no other references for what good treatment was supposed to look and feel like.

Rejection: Another thing I noticed about these stories is that, all of the celebrities have at least one quote out there of themselves saying that they never accepted that what was done to them was normal or good, or their fault. I think that's huge, because I think one characteristic of most abuse victims is that they tend to believe that they deserved what happened or is happening to them - and that's entirely not true. But these people were brave enough to declare to themselves, at least, that "no, this isn't right - I don't deserve this in any way".

"Cocooning": This is just my own fancy term for what I think is simply, removing themselves from a bad situation. Each of the celebrities mentally, emotionally, and physically cut themselves off from their abuse, before it could rob them of their spirits. Some of them ran away and started lives on their own, pursuing their dreams far away from where their abusers could harm them. They all refused to engage with or contact their abusers while they were in the process of healing themselves by being away from the abuse ("cocooning", haha) - and some of them have vowed never to contact their abusers again. (Christina Aguilera and Janice Dickinson have both sworn off their fathers and won't even meet with them, even now that it's been several years since they were last mistreated). I think this is so important because the victims took the time to find out what the real world is like for themselves through different glasses. Then they could finally begin to learn that what happened to them was unique, and not characteristic of how the world works, so that they could learn to function.

Self-determination: Each of the celebrities figured out who they wanted to be, then went out and became that person - regardless of whether or not they would be liked, respected, or even good at what they became. They just pursued their dreams. Through trial and error, they also experimented with ways of expressing themselves. Some of them stumbled onto the typical victim's path of drug abuse and promiscuity, but they learned quick and bounced right back off that track when they realized those things were in the way of what they wanted out of life. None of these people apologize for who they've become in any way. They found that, since no one was going to teach them how to do things, they would have to make their own mould.

And each person met with great success!

From time to time, I'm going to be posting more pictures on my sidebar of famous people who have accomplished great things, even though they've lived through terrible abuse. But in the meantime, thank you for following the study! In future posts, we can go into more detail about what it means for us everyday people to be able to overcome emotional abuse.

Hiatus

I'm back!

I've been away for a few days while I get things in order for a new university degree I'm pursuing, so I won't be posting as regularly as I would like to be. But I look forward to having a new addition up by the weekend!

Thank you for reading so faithfully :). Please send any suggestions to sticksandstonesblog@gmail.com or feel free to comment on any of the posts. Have a great week!

E.N.

Celebrity Victories: Part 4 of 4

This is the final installment in a 4-part case study on famous survivors of emotional abuse.

The last person I chose to focus on for this case study is a great example, I think, because she's done so well for herself even after growing up in the public eye that most people don't even remember that she was once a victim!

Drew Barrymore

Drew Blythy Barrymore was born in 1975 in Culver City, CA into old Hollywood royalty: the Barrymore acting family. Her father was the late actor John Barrymore (d. 2004), and her mother was Ildiko Jaid Barrymore, an aspiring actress - but her father abandoned the family before Drew was even born. Drew's acting career began when she was a mere 11 months old, and shot a dog food commercial. She got her first acting role in 1980 at the age of 5, but her second project shot her to fame. She played young Gertie in the iconic film E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, worked with director Steven Spielberg, and became America's sweetheart.

Her life at home was more troubled. Drew's father was neglectful, and when he reunited with the family when she was 3, John was verbally and psychologically abusive towards Drew and her mother. Drew's mother also had very little time for her while she worked two full-time jobs, leaving a young Drew to fend for and almost raise herself. Drew's memories about her father were especially painful, although her relationship with her mother was also nearly non-existant:

"I really love him. I hated him while I was growing up. He was an abusive
asshole. But now that I've grown up, I do love him. For a crazy person he's
the most intelligent, fascinating man I've ever met, but he is crazy.
Omigod, he's insane! He'll, like, leave a crazy message every couple of
months, maybe. But he's off, sucking the marrow out of life like no other
human being. He sucks it dry! He's like the vacuum cleaner of life. It's
sort of hard. But I know that he loves me. His ways of showing it are very
peculiar, you know? I've accepted it. So I don't have that pain anymore."

Her confusion, youth, and limitless new power led Drew to experiment with boundaries, and by the time she was 9 she had already dabbled in drug abuse and become a regular patron at the notorious nightclub Studio 54 - a place that allowed patrons to have sex and take up drugs right under the management's nose. By the age of 13, Drew was snorting cocaine and had to be checked into rehab. The media ate up the salicious stories of the young starlet acting 30 when she looked 12, but no one noticed her cries for help and sanity until Drew attempted suicide when she was 14. Living in sobriety with singer David Crosby and his family, Drew wrote her autobiography Little Girl Lost, and when she was 15 years old, she went to the courts to be legally emancipated from her family.

Drew's drug problems never returned. She revamped her image as a young doe-eyed seductress and went on to star in movies such as Poison Ivy (1992) and Guncrazy (1993) - and adopted a wild streak, posing for Playboy and nude for the magazine Interview, dancing topless on the desk on Late Show with David Letterman, and getting scolded by her god-father and family friend Steven Spielberg. Toning down her image won her even more roles. Drew starred in Boys on the Side, Mad Love, Batman Forever, Scream, The Wedding Singer, Home Fries, and with her own newly founded production company Flower Films, Charlie's Angels, Never Been Kissed, and Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle by the close of the 20th century. In 1991, she got engaged to Leland Hayward and called it off within a few months, then to Jamie Walters from 1992-1993, and finally was married to Jeremy Thomas in 1994. The marriage dissolved in another few months and Drew married for the second time to comedic actor Tom Green in 2001, with Green filing for divorce in 2002.

Drew gradually grew into a lovely, refined, and likeable lady with a mature outlook on life and perpetual positivity. Her production company helped to finance such film projects as Donnie Darko, Duplex with Ben Stiller in 2003, 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and his production company Happy Madison in 2004, and Fever Pitch, Music and Lyrics, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and He's Just Not That Into You in 2008. She's now expected to direct the third film in the Twilight series in 2010.

Drew has been inducted into the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2004. She's also one of the highest-paid film actresses in Hollywood to date, and still holds the record for the youngest person to host Saturday Night Live from 1982. Drew even works as a model, becoming the newest face to join Covergirl Cosmetics in 2007, and the face of Gucci jewelry that same year. Her philanthropic efforts are also as heartfelt as her career choices. She supports various abuse centers and drives annually, was named the Ambassador Against World Hunger for the UN in 2007 shortly before donating $1 million to its program, and has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show on various occassions to promote her charities.

Few will argue against Drew's beauty, talent, drive, or spirit, but not that many people remember all that much about her history with abuse. But the pain and scars of living with child abuse are just that for Drew - a distant memory.

Celebrity Victories: Part 3 of 4

This is the third installment in a 4-part case study on celebrities who have overcome their experiences with emotional abuse, and gone on to live happy and fulfilled lives.

This young woman was at the height of her career during the late '90s to the early 21st century, but I'm sure many readers would recognize her name even today. Personally, I love her swagger and was a big fan even before I learned of her history!

Christina Aguilera

Christina Maria Aguilera was born in 1980 in Staten Island, New York, the eldest of two children to Fausto Wagner Xavier Aguilera, former US Army Sergeant, and Shelly Lorraine Fidler, a Spanish language teacher. Her father was physically abusive towards the rest of the members of Christina's family, especially her mother, but Christina recalls being beaten severely even at the tender age of four. She was also emotionally abused, regularly called names like "slut" and "baby whore", pit against her younger sister Rachel and forced to fight and abuse each other, and locked up in her room and tied to pieces of furniture when her father was alone with her, just to hear her scream and cry. Christina's mother finally filed for a divorce when Christina was seven years old, and their small family moved to Rochester, Pennsylvania, to live with her grandmother.

Christina began dreaming of becoming a singer at a very young age, and showed promise with her growly, mature voice. Her mother put her in talent shows and singing competitions, and she quickly became known as "the little girl with the big voice". Later on VH1's Driven focused on the child star, it was said that when competitors learned that Christina had signed up to perform against them in a show, many would withdraw, and competiting against Christina was compared to "leading a lamb to the slaughter" - she was that good. Jealousy ensued and Christina was teased, isolated, and once almost attacked during gym class. Her house was also vandalized and her mother's car tires were slashed. Again, Christina's family relocated to Wexford, Pennsylvania, and Christina kept a low profile.

In 1990, Christina competed on Star Search and came in second place. From then on in Pittsburgh, she was invited to sing the Star Spangled Banner at televised games for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Pittsburgh Penguins. In 1993, Christina auditioned for the popular children's entertainment show The Mickey Mouse Club, and won a role along child stars Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Ryan Gosling, and Keri Russell, lasting a year before the program was cancelled. But her solo career breakthrough came in 1998 when Christina recorded the song "Reflection" for the Disney animated feature film Mulan - a song that earned her her first recording contract with RCA Records, and a Golden Globe nomination for Best Original Song.

Christina's self-titled debut album contained the hit songs "Genie in a Bottle", "What a Girl Wants", "I Turn To You", and "Come on Over (All I Want is You)". She won a Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for "Genie in a Bottle", and a Grammy Award for Best New Artist. Christina encouraged by her managers to record a Spanish album, being fluent in Spanish from her childhood, and she released Mi Reflejo in 2000. The album won her a Best Female Pop Vocal Album at the Latin Grammy Awards that same year. Christina also recorded a Christmas album (My Kind of Christmas), but in 2001 her group single "Lady Marmalade", a pop cover of the original song sung alongside Missy Elliot, Mya, and Pink, won her another Grammy for Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals.

By this time Christina was in her early 20s, and wanted to venture out into deeper territory with her image and music. In 2002, Christina released Stripped, her most controversial album. She soared to the height of her popularity for adopting a condemnable wild new image, suggestive and creative new lyrics, and experiments with different musical styles and artists - including pianist Alicia Keys. Critics hated and loved the "new" Christina all at the same time. "Dirrty" threatened to destroy her appeal to younger fans for its raunchy dancing and content. "Beautiful" was better received, followed by "Fighter". After much controversy over her behavior, including a performance during an MTV awards show with Madonna and Britney Spears where Christina shared an open-mouth kiss with Madonna, Christina revamped her image to "Hollywood glam" and released Back to Basics in 2006. The album debuted at number 1 in the US, UK, and eleven other countries. She won another Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for "Ain't No Other Man" from the album. A new album is due out from Christina in fall 2009.

Christina began dating marketing executive Jordan Bratman in 2002, and they were married in 2005 in Napa Valley. In 2008, Christina gave birth to her first child, Max Liron Bratman. Christina has also been heavily involved with charities throughout her careers, especially those that focus on domestic and child abuse. She contributes to the Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Refuge UK, and Lifetime Television's "End violence against women" campaign. Christina is very open and vocal about the abuse she and her mother and sister sustained at the hands of her father, and to this day has refused all contact with him.

I believe Christina is inspirational because she's always been a work in progress. Even though her earliest memories are depressing ones, she's pursued her dreams and continues to move forward even after dominating her field. She also shows concern for those who have been through similar situations. It's evident to me that if Christina has ever been a victim of the invisible cage, she found a way to break out of it a long time ago.

Celebrity Victories: Part 2 of 4

This is the second part in a 4-part case study on the lives of celebrities who have lived through emotional abuse, survived, and gone on to live happy and vibrant lives.

You're going to think I'm absolutely crazy for who I've picked next. It's arguable that this woman is just off-her-rocker "out there". She's loud, she's unapologetic, she's in your face, and sometimes she's just plain insulting. But she doesn't care who doesn't like her - she likes herself enough for the whole world, thank you very much! LOL I picked this woman because she's fun to watch, and even aside from her silly personality, she's accomplished a lot.

Janice Dickinson

Janice Dickinson was born in 1955 in Brooklyn, New York, and grew up in Hollywood, Florida in a four-person household with her parents and younger sister. Her start to life was one full of abuse. As she was quoted from her future autobiography written in 2002, No Lifeguards On Duty: The Accidental Life of the World's First Supermodel, Janice described her parents this way:
"My father was a tall, slim, handsome man with a thick head of silver hair, buzzed flat, and gunmetal gray yes. People liked Ray. He had an easy smile. A pleasant laugh. He was a good storyteller, a good listener, popular with the neighbors. But I didn't often see that easy smile. Or hear that pleasant laugh. I saw, instead, the way his eyes changed color when he got angry, the whites glowing red. Or the way he balled up his big, freckled fists when he came after me, like a bull in heat. I hated him. I hated his eyes; his hair; that acrid breath; the wife-beater, Fruit of the Loom T-shirts. I hated him with every fiber of my being. I hated my mother, too; hated her because she was numbed into oblivion with the pills she'd been prescribed for an old back injury. She would come home at the end of the day, floating, and she stayed aloft with the help of those lovely pills. She would glide through the house on a cushion of air, in slow motion, unaware, unseeing, her voice soft, her mind elsewhere, always smiling this benign Hare Krishna smile -- like she was At One With God or something; which she was, I guess, at least chemically."

Janice's father was very physically and emotionally abusive to her, especially when puberty hit. Her younger sister was the initial target of her father's pedophilia, but when he turned his sights on Janice - who was growing more beautiful by the day - and she repeatedly refused to have sex with him, Janice's father beat her daily and would constantly hurl insults on her. He told her that she "wouldn't amount to anything", that she "looked like a boy", and that he would kill her if she ever told anyone of what he did to her. At the same time, Janice's mother developed an addiction to painkillers after an accident when Janice was young, and was always high - no help to her daughters. But Janice always had a fiery spirit, and in the early 1970s when she was about 15 years old, Janice ran away from home and went to New York City in hopes of becoming a model.

Janice was determined to be a success, if only to be able to stay away from her abusive family forever. She began calling modeling agencies incessantly. At the time, the top working models in the industry were the blond, "girl next door" types (like Cheryl Tiegs and Jean Shrimpton), and Janice hardly fit the mold with her dark hair, dark eyes, and plump lips. She went to Ford and was turned down by the modeling agency for those lips, but ended up going to Paris after her new friend, actress Lorraine Bracco, told her boyfriend - who was a photographer - to check Janice out. Janice became a European hit and finally returned to New York City in 1978, where her career took off.

Janice's wild streak emerged with her rising fame. She spent much of her youth in the notorious Studio 54 and with the celebrities of the time like Truman Capote, Andy Warhol, and John Belushi. She also began to experiment with men and women - sleeping, allegedly, with Prince Albert II, Warren Beatty, John Cusack, Mick Jagger, Grace Jones, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Kelly LeBrock, Jon Lovitz, Dolph Lundgren, Liam Neeson, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Willis, and Frank Zappa, among others - and drugs, taking up alcohol, cocaine, and heroin. Soon Janice became known for her brash, wild personality. Once while still riding the high off of recreational drugs, Janice fell off a runway and into Sophia Loren's lap. Janice also became the self-proclaimed first supermodel. In E! Network's E! True Hollywood Story, she described how she coined the term "supermodel" in 1979. Her manager, concerned that at the peak of her modeling career she was doing too much work, told her, "You are not Superman." Janice replied, "I am not Superman, I am a supermodel." She got to a point in her career where she was virtually untouchable, appearing in Harper's Bazaar, Vogue (a staggering 37 times on its cover), and Playboy, and working with huge fashion houses Giorgio Armani, Gianni Versace, and Calvin Klein. Remembering when Ford snubbed her at the start of her career, Janice finally got her revenge when she signed with Elite Model Management, telling Ford, "It's me, big-lipped Janice. I'm going to Elite. I don't like you, I've never liked you."

Janice first married in the early '80s to Ron Levy, then in 1987 to Simon Fields (a marriage that lasted 6 years), and finally to Albert "Alan" B. Gerston in 1995 (which lasted 1 year). Her marriage to Fields produced her first son, Nathan Fields, and later a relationship with Michael Birnbaum produced her daughter Savannah Dickinson. At first, Janice believed her daughter's father was Sylvester Stallone, with whom she'd been having an affair, but this was settled after much public speculation and a paternity test. In 2002, Janice wrote her autobiography, and followed that up with her second book in 2004, Everything About Me Is Fake...And I'm Perfect!, in which she describes her battles with self-esteem, her alcoholism, drug abuse, anoxeria and bulimia, her experience with plastic surgery, and her modeling career.

Since her victim's past and racy youth, Janice has cleaned up her act considerably - but she's still Janice! She's overcome her struggles with substance abuse and indiscrepant sex, and is now at the point where she can poke fun at her experiences. She acted as a judge on the wildly popular reality TV show America's Next Top Model for four years alongside Tyra Banks, and moved on to have her own show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. In 2005, Janice was a contestant on The Surreal Life for its fifth season, and there she spoke candidly to the rest of the contestants about her abusive childhood. Janice is now working on a fourth book after her funny and tender Check Please! Dating, Mating and Extricating, and has begun work philanthropically as a motivational speaker, travelling to various schools to speak about child abuse.

Say what you will about her, but Janice has never apologized for who she is or what she wants out of life. She became a self-made success out of ashes, and has never assumed her parents' pathology as her own. When learned patterns of self-destruction threatened to overcome her, Janice snuffed all of those crippling behaviors out of her life. She is open and candid about her mistakes as well as her triumphs, and has a kill-or-be-killed spirit about life in general. Janice made herself fit - in turn, she's broken the mold and gone on to be a great, if kooky (!), example of "independent woman"...gone wild!

Celebrity Victories: Part 1 of 4

On to the good news - famous survivors of emotional abuse who are doing much more than surviving: they're living life to the fullest. I'm excited to start this case study set because it serves as blessed assurance for me that there's hope. Even if my story or yours never turns out to be so spectacular as to get its own movie, like the following man's did, it's still cause for celebration if one day you can honestly say you're happy with where you've made it!

I chose to start with someone not quite so recognizable, but definitely commendable.

Antwone Fisher

Antwone Fisher was born in 1959 in an Ohio state prison, the child of 17-year-old Eva Mae Fisher and 23-year-old Eddie Elkins - with his father having been shot and killed before Antwone was even born. His mother's imprisonment and father's absence left him to be declared a ward of the state, and so Antwone was place in foster care before he was even a year old. For the first two years of his life Antwone was fortunate to be in the care of a loving family, with a foster mother that grew very attached to her new son. But the state intervened and quickly put Antwone back into the foster care system, fearful that his foster mother's feelings would grow to a problematic level of attachment. At the time, his mother was still in prison, and a reunion between the two would have been impossible to secure. So Antwone was placed in the care of Reverend and Mrs. Pickett, where the trauma of his childhood began.

The Pickett family was very abusive to Antwone for the twelve-year duration of his stay, both emotionally and physically. Antwone's foster parents put him down constantly, beat him, isolated him, and one of the family members, his elder foster sister, forced Antwone to kiss and lie with her when they were under the age of 10. The abuse finally came to an end when Antwone reached the age of 16, and he walked out of the Pickett household without getting so much as a good-bye. Antwone graduated high school and turned to the YMCA for shelter and help, and became a legally emancipated minor from the state. There he befriended a young criminal nicknamed "Butch" in order to be protected from the other young delinquents and sexual predators staying at the YMCA. When his time at the YMCA ran out, Antwone was homeless, and he ended up sleeping on park benches and in alleys, struggling to stay alive. Unsure of anywhere else to turn, Antwone decided to join the US Navy. He served the country for eleven proud years, and became friends with a Navy psychiatrist named Commander Williams, who helped him come to terms with his abusive past and realize his potential. In 1992, Antwone finally left the Navy and began working at Sony Pictures Entertainment as a security guard. He was also compelled to look for members of his birth family, and found his aunt Annette Elkins in Cleveland, his mother Eva Mae, and the rest of his surviving kin.

Since then, Antwone's accomplishments have been numerous and impressive. He became a film producer and screenwriter and has been working in Hollywood for the past 16 years, with his name attached to fourteen writing projects in film. He wrote his memoirs, entitled Finding Fish, which became a New York Times bestseller. The memoirs have since been translated into the acclaimed motion picture Antwone Fisher, which stars Denzel Washington and then young newcomer Derek Luke in the title role, and is directed by Denzel Washington (movie poster pictured above). His other great accomplishment is a collection of poetry titled Who Will Cry For the Little Boy?, a work that quickly made the National Best Seller list after its publication and is now one of the best-selling books of poetry of all time.

Antwone has also been awarded many times for his achievements. He won the Christopher Award for his part in scripting the movie Antwone Fisher, as well as the Humanitas Prize for writing and co-producing, an NAACP Image Award for the same film, the Screenwriter of the Year Award from the National Association of Theatre Owners, the National Angel in Adoption Award in 2002, and he has been nominated for Best Original Screenplay from the Writers' Guild of American West for Antwone Fisher. In 1993, Antwone was named as one of 50 people in Hollywood to watch by Variety Magazine. In 2005, he was also named as one of the Top 100 People in Hollywood You Need To Know by Fade In Magazine, as "the First Word in film". Finally, in May of 2003, Antwone was awarded the Doctor of Humane Letters degree by conferring from Cleveland State University, in honor and recognition of his achievements as an author, producer, poet, screenwriter, and his loyalty to his community and indestructable spirit.

Antwone now teaches at the University of California in Los Angeles as a professor, and is working on the film project Training Day 2 for Warner Brothers Studios. He also has a new book due out for spring of 2010, titled A Boy Should Know How To Tie A Tie - And Other Lessons for Succeeding in Life.

I believe Antwone is a great inspiration because he's such a clear example of the old saying, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". From a miserable start to a glorious finish, the writer shows no signs of slowing down. He also seems to be content with his present, at peace with his past, and looking forward to his future. It doesn't matter that he was once made low by psychological abuse - Antwone is completely free.

"I think back upon a childhood full of longing for belonging, and see my
life now as what I have created out of my dreams. An image comes to mind of
Mrs. Brown at the orphanage in Cleveland, me sitting at her side, telling
her, "you'll read about me someday." I was definitely dreaming then.With no
evidence of that ever being possible, I clung to that preposterous vision
and with the force of those dreams willed it and made it happen. Not because
I needed to be famous, but because I needed a world that made me feel
uninvited to be wrong. So I imagined myself free, I imagined myself loved, I
imagined myself... as somebody."
--Antwone Fisher

Reflection

Well, we've come to the point where we have a few real-life examples of emotional abuse taking its toll on the lives of well-known victims. Thank you for riding along with me this far.

Not everyone deals with their abused experiences the same way, which is something I learned while researching the lives of Tatum O'Neal, Eminem, and Michael Jackson for my 3-part celebrity case study. Tatum O'Neal seemed to adopt a "that's the breaks" type of response to everything she's been through, and it looks like she's quietly, slowly, gradually withering away because of that. Eminem apparently took his pain and lashed out at the world with it - his rap career is based on making everyone in the world his enemy, especially other females. (I don't think he would actually do any of the heinous things he raps about, like killing and raping others, but the fact that he's even rapping about them at all is unsettling enough.) Finally, Michael Jackson tried to "fix" everything that he perceived was wrong with him - his body and his childhood - because of his father's cruelty.

So, left on their own, the effects of emotional abuse don't seem to fade on their own. Actually, they stay attached to a victim and rot him or her away until there's nothing left. I think of emotional abuse as similar to transferring a parasite: one set of self-destructive feelings goes from one host to another. But, just like dealing with a real-life parasite, the effects of emotional abuse can be "wormed" out of a victim. It just takes a specific remedy.

In my next set of posts, I'm going to take on a new case study of emotional abuse victims who have gone on to survive and thrive. Then we'll see what we can learn from their examples about how to live well after it's all over. :)

When To Believe The Hype

I've just completed a mini-study on the lives of 3 celebrities - Tatum O'Neal, Eminem, and Michael Jackson - in a layman's attempt to try and show how devastating the effects of sustained emotional abuse can be on a person's psyche, and how that damage will show up in all areas of that person's life when the victim doesn't learn how to overwrite it. Now I think it might be worthwhile to use the abusers in these cases to demonstrate rudimentary ways to tell when someone has actually been abused - and not just adopted the life of a "screw-up".

Let's go through what I think are some typical abuser red flags.

Denial: I think this is the biggest one. When confronted with accusations by the victim or others who want to get down to the truth behind the victim's accusations (or signs the victim may be consciously or unconsciously displaying, e.g. extreme shyness and self-isolation), they will never own up to it.

• Ryan O'Neal (father and abuser of Tatum O'Neal) has publicly denied and refused to acknowledge the allegations made by his daughter in her autobiography, A Paper Life. He has been quoted on the subject saying "It is a sad day when malicious lies are told in order to become a 'best-seller'."


• Debbie Mathers-Briggs (mother and abuser of Marshall Mathers III, rapper name "Eminem") went public trying to disclaim her son's accusations of abuse: In her tell-all book "My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem", Nelson [her new marital surname] reveals, "After his first album 'Infinite' flopped, he reinvented himself as white trailer trash with a crazy welfare mom. I was shocked when I first heard the lyrics - but he constantly reassured me it was all a big joke. I went along with it for Marshall's sake."
  Nelson insists she is now tired of being criticized for her supposed poor parenting skills, and has written the tome to "set the record straight".


• Joe Jackson (father and abuser of Michael Jackson) owned up to physically abusing his children in an interview with Louis Theroux for a BBC TV documentary in 2003 - but he didn't call it physical abuse. Joe admitted to smacking his children under the guise of discipline, but has never publicly acknowledged his psychological destruction tactics against his son.

Rejection: I've noticed that, once the victim comes forward (or someone else does on their behalf), the abuser almost always immediately cuts them off from their lives. Not only that, but in some cases they will even go so far as to publicly announce that, for whatever reason, the victim is "dead" to them.

• Ryan O'Neal was quoted as saying he hates his son Griffin, and "A couple of [my children] I would take back." "I don't think I was supposed to be a father. Just look around at my work–they're either in jail or they should be." How vile.


• Debbie Mathers-Briggs estranged herself from her famous son once he went public with her abuse, but now that she is allegedly dying of cancer, she seeks to reconcile. In a recent article from "The Mirror", she claims: "I am dying of cancer, but my son Eminem won't pay to save me."


• Joe Jackson and Michael were estranged for many years after Michael first told of his abusive childhood during an interview with Oprah in the early 90s. They apparently didn't reconcile until shortly before his death - at least, that's how the story goes. I'm not sure I believe it.

Exploiting: The abuser, seeing that the victim is in a position to better their life and overcome their maltreatment, will try to claim any victory the victim makes for his or herself. Sometimes by outright stealing, sometimes by trying to ride on the coattails of success, as if to say "I made you". It doesn't just happen to celebrities. For example, I've seen couples divorce, the abused partner go on to buy themselves a house, and the abuser return out of the blue trying to sue for half under the guise of having helped the abused partner make the money they used to buy the house.

• Ryan O'Neal has been criticized in the media for the end of his relationship with Farrah Fawcett, with many people believing he only remained by her side until death in hopes of getting the lion's share of her wealth in her will. At one point he was in vocal support of Tatum writing an autobiography, hoping to benefit from the sales, until she published incriminating accusations against him.
  
• Debbie Mathers-Briggs actually sued her son. Other mothers who have been embarrassed by their famous children's actions go public and express concern for their children, try to get them professional help, or otherwise try to intervene - they don't care so much about their own image, it's about saving the child. Britney Spears' mom, for all his mistakes, is such an example. Amy Winehouse's family has also done this. But when Eminem attacked her in his first album, his mother sued him and won millions of dollars in damages. She's also written her own rap song in retaliation against Eminem (the title of which escapes me, please Google it if you're interested), wrote a book, and with her new husband operates a website on her son where you have to pay to have access to prescious childhood memories and little known facts.


• Joe Jackson's behavior towards Michael has always been in-your-face despicable. Clearly, he set up the Jackson 5 to benefit himself and himself alone - his children's success was a mere byproduct. But I think it's very telling how he's behaved especially after news of Michael's death. During an interview with CNN, Joe came on air and promptly opened the interview with a plug for his own hip-hop recording project. He was labeled as insensitive, and came out again a few days later in a press conference saying he had honestly answered a question about what he had been doing, and mentioned his recording project again before going on to praise Michael's life and work.

"Crazymaking": I think this is another big one. The abuser will usually try to benefit from the victim's destroyed image by appearing near-immaculate in comparision, believing that others will see them as "clearly innocent" and the victim as "self-destructive" or just a plain liar. Most of the time, if enough time passes for people to watch their situation, people stop buying into the guise.

• Ryan O'Neal used to play this game with Tatum, separating himself from her and her, not attending her wedding, and otherwise living the good life dating Farrah Fawcett and making movies, enjoying a long career. But now it seems the sympathy tide is shifting in Tatum's favor, and Ryan actually helped to support her case by making it public that he hit on her at Farrah Fawcett's funeral like the cad he was always accused to be.


• Debbie Mathers-Briggs is still holding on to her "good mom with a bad son" image, but the public stopped buying a long time ago - she's just self-deluding. Eminem is clearly damaged (and looks as if he might stay that way, sadly), but he's gained a lot of support because people are starting to believe his claims. Not excuse him - just believe him. Family members and friends, including Eminem's ex-wife and Eminem's brother Nathan, have spoken out against Debbie in support of what Eminem's described of her.


• Michael Jackson gained the majority of his sympathy vote after his death, as clearly the media that once battered him to a pulp with the "Wacko Jacko" label, is starting to side with him. People are coming forward with more and more insights into Michael Jackson's life, and his character is getting more layers added to it. Joe Jackson is gradually being painted as more and more of the tyrant he was always accused by Michael and the rest of his children to be. Joe is helping them along with his insensitive public appearances, too.

I'm definitely no expert, these are just some of my observations. Comparing it to my own experiences, I think all the criteria matches up. If you were ever a victim of any type of prolonged abuse, look back and see if these red flags could describe your abuser. Then I'd encourage you to look around your life. Maybe the kid next door that you always thought was a delinquent has something deeper going on with his parents. Or maybe that woman across your desk at work next to the photocopying machine has something eerily similar going on with the boyfriend that picks her up every afternoon at 5.

Just a thought.

Celebrity Casualties: Part 3 of 3

This is the final part of a 3-post case study on the unfortunate lives of celebrities who were once victims of emotional abuse.

I think we're nearly at a saturation point when it comes to hearing about this famous person, in wake of the tragic circumstances surrounding his recent death. It's probably safe to say that we're all acquainted with the basics of this man's story. But I saved this study for last because I think it's easily the standout case of a miserable history, a downward spiral, and all the potential in the world.

Michael Jackson

Michael Joseph Jackson was born in 1958 in Gary, Indiana, the seventh of nine children in an African-American working class family that would soon move on to become one of the most famous families in music. Growing up, Michael was very close with his mother Katherine, but his father, Joseph Walter "Joe" Jackson, was abusive from the onset of Michael's life. He reportedly took pleasure in tearing down all of his children, but saved nicknames like "big nose," "ugly face", and "monkey" for Michael, shattering his self-image - apparently for life. Hellbent on having his talented young sons become musical stars, Joe also physically abused him for executing the wrong dance moves during practices, and sometimes just at random. Michael was made to practice and rehearse everyday and never allowed time to play as a child. He was not even allowed to call his father "Dad"; Joe was strictly to be addressed as "Joe". Michael's elder brother Marlon recalls that Joe once held Michael upside down by one leg and "pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks". Joe would trip his sons, push them into walls, and took pleasure in frightening them. As Michael recalled, one night when he was asleep, his father climbed into his room through the window, screaming and wearing a monster mask in order to "teach his children not to leave the window open at night" - but he only succeeded in making Michael a very nervous child. Michael was so afraid of his father that sometimes he would vomit upon sight of him, and also cry himself to sleep from loneliness and depression. Katherine, though loving, was an accomplice to Joe's behavior. For fear of her husband, she did very little to defend her children from his tyranny.

Yet Michael's musical talent emerged, and by 1964 he joined his brothers Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon as a backup musician in their band The Jackson Brothers, sometimes providing backup dancing and vocals. When he assumed the lead vocals alongside his brother Jermaine, the group changed its name to The Jackson 5 and quickly went on to notoriety, touring stripclubs and night joints throughout the Midwest between 1966 and 1968. By 1972 the group was at the height of its fame, a household name, and topping the Billboard charts with songs like "I Want You Back," "ABC", "The Love You Save", and "I'll Be There", among several others. In 1978 Michael met Quincy Jones during production of his first feature film The Wiz, an African-American-cast Motown adaptation of "The Wizard of Oz", and together they produced Michael's first solo album Off The Wall in 1979 - one of Michael's greatest hit albums that generated a staggering amount of awards and royalties. Michael, however, was disappointed with his release and was determined to top that success.

His subsequent successes became too numerous to name. In 1982, Michael released Thriller, the best-selling album of all time. The music video for the title song also became the most recognizable, imitated, and wealth-generating music video of all time. On March 25, 1983, Michael astounded the world with his first public execution of the "moonwalk" during a television special featuring Motown music, and took his crown as an accomplished dancer. His wealth became so great that in 1985, Michael was able to purchase the catalog rights to all of the Beatles' music. Michael released the album Bad in 1987, his first autobiography Moonwalk in 1988, built the famous Neverland Ranch as his home in 1988, and was finally dubbed "the king of Pop". The album Dangerous was released in 1991, and gave one of the performances of his career at SuperBowl XXVII in 1993. In 1994, Michael married Lisa Marie Prestley, the daughter of rock icon Elvis Prestley - the couple divorced in 1996. In 1995, Michael released HIStory Begins and HIStory Continues, a 2-part collection of his greatest hits along with new songs, one including a hit song with his younger sister Janet Jackson. Blood on the Dance Floor, a collection of remixed songs, was released in 1997, and is still the best-selling album comprised of remixes in the world. His final new album release was Invincible in 2001.

Michael became the household name to put all other household names to shame, but evidence that his past still had a grip on him showed up in all areas of his life. During the filming of The Wiz it was reported that Michael accidentally broke his nose and arranged for rhinoplasty to fix the damage, but that the procedure left some problems and he required a second procedure. Michael confirmed this during a televised interview with Martin Bashir. However, a look at his photos throughout the years proves that his nose was more than corrected - it was all but removed as a result of several procedures. When his skin began to pale gradually from its rich chocolate color of birth in the mid-80s, Michael's publicity claimed that he had been diagnosed with vitiligo and lupus, which made him sensitive to sunlight and lightened his skin. In accordance, his forehead seemed to have been surgically lifted, his lips thinned, his cheekbones sculpted, and an artificial cleft was grooved into his chin. Michael was also alleged, at one point, to suffer from anorexia nervosa under the guise of wanting to keep a "dancer's body". He changed his hair to a sleek, dark and straight shoulder-length cut. He made friends with eccentric former starlets Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minelli, and famous child actor Macaulay Culkin. The critical point of Michael's ultimate fall came in 1999, when he was accused of sexually molesting one of the young boys he had grown accustomed to entertaining and befriending at his whimsical playground and home, Neverland Ranch - and being sued again in 2003 with a fresh claim that bankrupted him spiritually and financially. From then on, Michael lived in seclusion with his 3 young children Prince Michael, Paris-Michael Katherine, and Prince Michael II nicknamed "Blanket" by the media, who were birthed by surrogate mothers and what is still rumored to be Caucasian sperm donors. When he was finally reported to have succumbed to a prescription drug addiction in June of 2009, Michael had already evidently been living life as a shell of a human being.

There's way too much about Michael to fit all in a compact blog post like this, but I'd like to draw attention back to Michael's relationship with his father Joseph, because I really believe it explains most of his life choices. The memories of the physical abuse, of course, never left. But is it any wonder that Michael's nose disappeared over the years, when he was taunted as a child for having a large and typically African-descent nose? I don't mean to allege that his claims of vitiligo and lupus aren't true, because I was never even close to knowing Michael as a person - but is it any wonder that, having been teased as a child for being dark, Michael grew up to be one of the palest specimens of human flesh made public? Is it any wonder that, having been told he was ugly, his typically African-descent features all melted away as he aged? I don't claim to know the truth about the genetics of his children, but pictures of them in their youth show Michael's eldest son was actually dyed and dressed to look eerily similar to his old friend Macaulay Culkin. He seemed to have a penchant for befriending and marrying people who were the exact opposite of his genetic phenotype.

On another point, most child psychologists will agree that a child who is not allowed to grow in an environment where they can safely mature and engage in normal child behaviors - as Joe restricted Michael from doing - suffer greatly. When a child misses critical stages of child development, they experience emotional problems as adults. They also encounter conflict when they attempt to complete those stages in an adult world, because their behavior is often criticized, judged, viewed and labeled as deviant, often with tragic consciousness. Michael was labeled a pedophile, when I believe his understandable fear and distrust of adults led him to feel more comfortable with children. What he probably did not realize is that greedy, abusive adults were coaching some of the children he engaged with at Neverland Ranch. Thus, I believe he was betrayed and deeply wounded by this betrayal. Michael had to fight these public allegations and being targeted by very brutal, ignorant, and judgmental people who stood to gain from making the allegations stick, and it took a lot out of him.

Finally, one of Michael's most damaging memories of his father was the one where Joe frightened him at night with a mask. I don't think it's a stretch to say that Michael's obsession with costumes and masks may have stemmed from this. He's been photographed a numerous amount of times hiding in old man costumes, monster masks, and the famous movie short produced by Michael, Ghost, has him in several costumes - one which he's paraded in public before, among unknowing bystanders. I'm sure he never meant to scare anyone, but he went to masks as a way to disappear over any other route.

I strongly believe that Michael was a harmless, misunderstood, and caring human being. I also believe he died of a broken heart at age 50, firmly locked in his invisible cage.

Celebrity Casualties: Part 2 of 3

This is the second part of a 3-post case study on the unfortunate lives of celebrities who were once victims of emotional abuse.


The following case is a controversial one, because the image the former victim presents publicly is clearly deranged - even though it's almost mandatory to seem crazy or dangerous in this line of entertainment in order to have artist's "credibility". I, personally, am not a fan, but I do recognize that this man has an extraordinary amount of talent as a rapper. I also believe every thread of miserable detail surrounding this artist's upbringing is true.

Eminem

Marshall Bruce Mathers III was born in 1972 in St. Joseph, Missouri, the son of Deborah Mathers-Briggs and Marshall Bruce Mathers, Jr. After his father abandoned the family when Marshall was 2, his mother moved him back and forth between Kansas City, Detroit, and the suburbs, before settling in Warren, Michigan when he was 12. Debbie struggled financially, having to resort to various locations in public housing, mobile homes, and living with relatives, one of them being Marshall's great-aunt Edna (mentioned in the song Evil Deeds, 2004). She battled depression by taking prescription drugs Vicodin and Valium, but Marshall recalls that she abused her prescriptions and subjected him and, later, his younger half-brother (by 14 years), Nathan to extreme emotional abuse: belittling, teasing, humiliating, and assaulting her sons. Marshall also accused his mother later of having Munchausen syndrome (a psychiatric disorder where one pretends to be ill or diseased in order to gain attention or sympathy), only she would pose her son as the patient to falsely claim health care benefits and actually try to breed sickness in him by making him take some of her prescriptions. The same suspicions were drawn by a social worker in 1996 during an investigation of Debbie's treatment of her second son Nathan.

Growing up in such a confusing and dangerous household, Marshall was a withdrawn and socially awkward child with few friends. He spent most of his youth alone at home playing video games and reading comics, listening to hip-hop music, and trying to escape the bullying he had to weather every day at school - a fear that eventually led to his skipping school frequently by the ninth grade, and final drop-out at age 17. He met his girlfriend Kimberly Ann Scott in high school and when she became pregnant and gave birth to their daughter Hailie Jade Scott in 1996, Marshall began to actively pursue his dreams as a rapper in order to support his new family. He recorded his first album, Infinite, but it was a critical fail and Marshall attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on Tylenol when Kim ended their relationship shortly after. His suicide attempt failed, so Marshall sought out to try rapping again and reconciled with Kim, marrying her in 1999.

That same year, Marshall, now "Eminem", was discovered by the rapper Dr. Dre (who heard his demo rap over the radio and set out to find the young underground talent) and recorded The Slim Shady LP, which went triple-platinum by the end of the year. In 2000 he recorded and released The Marshall Mathers LP, another critical and entertainment success, and The Eminem Show (2002), Encore (2004), and after a long hiatus, Relapse and Relapse 2 (2008). But the same reasons why most of Eminem's fans loved him were the very reasons why he was panned by many listeners as a raging psychotic - his lyrics were exceedingly violent, scathing, cruel, and accusatory. His mother filed a lawsuit against him in 1999 for defamatory remarks about his upbringing, and his wife Kim attempted suicide after the release of the song Kim, where Eminem threatened to kill her. He rapped about physically harming and killing other celebrities, mostly female stars such as Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and others who had never had anything to do with the rapper personally. The evil content in his lyrics is only rising today, with the recent release of a song called The Warning, in which Eminem explicitly threatens to expose and destroy songstress Mariah Carey for being reluctant to admit that she had a brief sexual relationship with the rapper in 2001.

If it's not evident that Eminem seems to suffer from severe deep-seated rage and vents it in his lyrics, his personal life since leaving his mother's abusive home provides more proof. After her suicide attempt, Kim filed for divorce from Eminem in 2001, and Eminem began his own struggle with drug abuse - namely, pills. He checked himself into rehab briefly in 2005.

I personally believe that underneath all the anger, Eminem/Marshall is inherently a good person. I realize how cliche that sounds. But I say this because, since his rise to fame, Eminem has quietly taken the daughter of his ex-wife Kim's twin sister Dawn, Alaina "Laney", as an adopted child of his own (even referring to her as his own daughter in the song Mockingbird, 2004). He also cares for his younger half-brother Nathan, his own stepdaughter Whitney (by Kim), and lives with all of them in Michigan in the outskirts of Detroit. He has a large heart ... only it seems to be filled with pain. And even as he clearly internalizes beliefs that he is inferior and a misfit and ostracized, Eminem constantly lashes out in frustration at his perceived maltreatment.

Tragically, Eminem seems to have taught himself to embrace his victim's cage.

Celebrity Casualties: Part 1 of 3

No, this is not a reality TV show post, haha. And by the term "casualty", I don't mean that anyone has been wounded beyond repair. But here are a few cases where I think that living through emotional abuse has had long-lasting effects where the victim was unable or had difficulty finding a way to overcome, and to this day is still living an unfulfilled life as a result.

Tatum O'Neal

Some of us might remember the lovely actress Tatum O'Neal from her glory days, but for those of us who were too young to grow up with her (myself included), Tatum is the daughter of actress Joanna Cook Moore (d. 1997), and actor Ryan O'Neal of Love Story.

Tatum was born in 1963 and became the youngest person ever to win an Oscar for starring in the movie Paper Moon alongside her father at the age of 10. Since then she starred in The Bad New Bears in 1974, Nickelodeon (1976), International Velvet (1978), Little Darlings (1980), Circle of Velvet (1980), and as Goldilocks on the TV show Faerie Tale Theatre episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears in 1984. But even though she was one of the most sought-after child actresses of her time, Tatum's home life was ridden with abuse. Tatum's father Ryan was publicly known to be a heavy drug user following his emergence into fame, and subjected Tatum and her brother Griffin to severe physical and emotional abuse. Tatum was molested by a friend of her father's, which her father refused to acknowledge. She and her brother were also bullied by their father into taking drugs like cocaine, opium, and heroin, which started her addiction to heroin. One of her saddest allegations is that, at the age of 13, she and her father went on a trip to Europe with her friend, actress Melanie Griffith - 18 years old at the time, and there Tatum walked in on her father and Melanie during sexual intercourse. She was also forced into a drug-induced orgy by her brother after Tatum invited a male hairdresser and his girlfriend over to spend the night while their father filmed a movie. By the time Tatum married tennis superstar John McEnroe in 1986 at the age of 23, she had already been through more than what most of any of us will experience in a lifetime.

Tatum's marriage got off to a bad start - none of her family members could be bothered to attend the wedding, and Tatum was battling an addiction to heroin. She had three children, Kevin, Sean, and Emily, but was unable to stave off her addiction and her marriage crumbled by 1992 with a separation, and finally a divorce in 1994. Tatum, depressed, turned back to drugs and lost custody of her children in 1998. Efforts to clean up her act and return to acting came in spurts, with guests appearances on 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter, Sex and the City, and Law and Order: Criminal Intent, as well as a recurring role on the hit drama series Rescue Me. She also appeared on Dancing with the Stars. But in 2008, Tatum was arrested for trying to purchase cocaine near her apartment in Manhattan and drug possession, proving that even after nearly 10 years, her problems were not behind her. She plead guilty to disorderly conduct during her arrest and agreed to two half-day sessions in rehab.

Some of the most disturbing news surrounding Tatum O'Neal comes as a result of the recent death of '70s actress Farrah Fawcett in 2009, who was in a long-term relationship with Tatum's father Ryan following his own divorce from her mother in 1967. Tatum, who had not engaged with her father in years, encountered him at Fawcett's funeral. Ryan was so estranged from his own daughter that he actually made a pass at her, having not recognized her:

“They had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me," Ryan tells Vanity Fair. "I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me -- Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

This led to many segments in entertainment news following the O'Neal family, including Griffin surfacing with age-old accusations against his father, but Tatum's comment in response to Ryan going public with his blunder was this:

About being hit on by her dad, Tatum sighs and says: "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will." It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."

A woman who's accepted the breaks.

Why did I post this story? I think it's clear that Tatum's experiences shattered her for life. She's

made valiant efforts to get past it - separating from her irreparable family, marrying and trying to start a new life on her own, going back to acting - but it remains clear that Tatum is still broken as a human being. I can't comment on whether or not she's had therapy, I wouldn't know. What I do see is that, even though she seems to be "living" on the outside, her inner core is still crippled by a low sense of self-worth. Her comment in response to her father is full of defeat. Going back to drugs so recently is self-defeating. Tatum never reached her full potential as an actress, when she showed such promise in her youth. Sadly, it seems to me, her invisible cage is still very real.

Effects of Emotional Abuse

The results of being constantly berated, verbally assaulted, and threatened by an abuser are long-lasting and very crippling. For some victims, they never fade or go away.

I think it's also important to note that most psychologists agree, the effects of emotional abuse on a victim when compared with the effects experienced by victims of any other type of abuse (e.g. physical) are usually the most severe. This is largely because emotional abuse is a type of brainwashing, where the victim begins to internalize what is happening or has happened to them and define themselves by those negative experiences over time.

Victims of emotional abuse tend to display:

• low self-esteem
• low self-confidence
• a negative self-concept
• deep-rooted feeling of worthlessness, believing that no one could love them
• tendency to minimize the seriousness of their experiences, or its effects, to themselves and others

Furthermore, from http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm, is this list:

- Can only guess at what healthy behavior is.

- Have trouble completing things

- Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home.

- Judge themselves without mercy.

- Have trouble accepting compliments.

- Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes. Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others.

- Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.

- Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.

- Have difficulty with intimate relationships.

- Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)

- Over-react to things beyond their control.

- Constantly seek approval & affirmation.

- Feel different from others.

- Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

- Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

- Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)

These lists aren't exhaustive, and also don't describe the situation of every emotional abuse survivor - but I think they're a good starting place, if only just to try and understand the extent to which a person can be damaged by this type of treatment.

How Do You Know?

I've found a really good online questionnaire to help you determine whether or not you're being emotionally abused. The original test comes from a site on emotionally abusive mothers, at http://eqi.org. I've modified it slightly so that the questions are applicable to any situation.

1. Does he/she tend to be unforgiving? Does he/she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that" or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you."
2. Does he/she make unforgiving comments about other people by saying things like "What he did was unforgivable."
3. Is it hard or impossible for he/she to admit mistakes?
4. Does he/she always have to have the last word?
5. Is it important for him/her that he/she always appears to be right and to win all the arguments?
6. Does he/she make you feel responsible for his/her feelings (for happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?
7. Does he/she tell you he/she is disappointed in you?
8. Does he/she ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things I do for you."
9. Does he/she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart. But you are not." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"
10. Does he/she say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?
11. When you say something which is too close to the truth or when you point out how he/she is acting hypocriticaly does he/she feel threatened and say things like: "Don't get smart with me" or "That's absurd" or "You have no idea what you are talking about" or "What gives you the right to say that?" or "How dare you say that?"
12. Does he/she threaten you with statements like "If you ever do that again..." or "The next time I catch you..." Or "This is the last time..."
13. Does he/she punish you with grounding, taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.? Or, in more adult circumstances, withholding financial information, restricting phone and computer use, controlling who you associate with, etc.?
14. Does he/she threaten you with total rejection by saying things like: "Get out of the house and never come back." or "I don't want to ever talk to you again." or "If you leave, don't plan on coming back."
15. Has he/she ever locked you out of the house?
16. Does he/she make you believe you are a bad friend/companion/partner by saying things like "What did I do to deserve you?" or"All the others have friends/companions/partners who ... , but I got stuck with you." or "Why can't you be like so and so?" $or "Why can't you be more like so and so?"
17. Do you ever feel hated by him/her?
18. Does he/she tell you what you "should" do a lot?
19. Has he/she ever hit you on the arms, back, shoulders or head?
20. Has he/she ever pulled you by the hair?
21. Has he/she ever try to physically stop you from getting out of the house?
22. Has he/she ever pulled the phone line out when you were talking on it? (Or taken it out of your hands and hung up?)
23. Has he/she ever disconnected the computer while you were on it?
24. Has he/she ever slapped you in the face?
25. Has he/she slapped you in the past 6 months? 30 days?
26. Does he/she say things like "Oh great. This is all I need" or "This is just what I need right now" in a sarcastic way, when you are trying to tell him/her how you feel about a situation?
27. Does he/she say things like "I can't believe you would do something like that!" or 'I can't believe you would think that!" or "How could you say a thing like that?"
28. Do you find yourself apologizing a lot to him/her?
29. Does he/she make exaggerated threats like "If you don't do such and such, you are going to ... for the rest of your life."
30. Does he/she make vague threats like "Either do it or else" or "There is going to be big trouble around here..."
31. Has he/she ever said "I didn't ask you what you wanted!"
32. Does he/she ever say things like, "If you love me, you will follow my rules."
33. Does he/she ever say "Don't you dare...."
34. Does he/she say things like "Don't talk to me like that." or "Don't ever let me hear you say that again."
35. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so disrespectful." or "Don't be so rude."
36. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so selfish."
37. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so inconsiderate."
38. When you ask him/her for explanations does he/she say things like: "Because it isn't normal." or "Because it is not the done thing." Or "Because you just don't do that." or "Because it is sick." or "Because it is strange" or "Because it is wrong." or "Because it is a sin." or "Because I said so." or "Because I know more than you."
39. Does he/she say things like, "I don't want to hear anymore about it."
40. Does he/she say things like, "Don't get fresh with me!"
41. Does he/she get hurt easily?
42. Does he/she get defensive easily?
43. Do you ever say things like "He/she would kill me if..."
44. Do you ever tell yourself or others that you can't do things because it would hurt him/her too much, or make him/her upset?
45. Does he/she say things like: "You can keep your comments to yourself" or "I don't want to hear any of your excuses." or "Save it. I am not interested." or "I don't remembering asking for your opinion." or "I don't need your smart mouth." or "I don't need any back talk from you." or "Who asked you?" or "Did I ask you what you wanted?"
46. Does he/she say things like, "Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you." or "Look at me when I am talking to you."?
47. Does he/she interrupt you when you are talking?
48. If someone asks you a question, does he/she sometimes answer it before you have a chance to?
49. If someone asks you a question when he/she is with you, do you sometimes look over to him/her before you answer it?
50. If someone asks you a question when he/she is with you, are you sometimes afraid to give the true answer?
51. Would you lie about being hurt or abused by someone else to avoid hurting him/her or to keep the family together?
52. Does he/she say things like "Well, I told you that was a bad idea, didn't I?" or "I warned you that would happen, but you didn't listen, did you?"
53. Does he/she ask questions that include the answer, such as "That wasn't very polite of you, was it?" or "You left the milk out again, didn't you?"
54. Does he/she say things like "Who do you think you are talking to me like that?"
55. Does he/she say things like "I am the one who is supposed to be asking the questions."
56. Does he/she say things like "You look like a tramp." or "You look like a slut."
57. Does he/she try to control what you wear by saying things like "You're not going out dressed like that I hope." or "Don't wear those shoes with that outfit. They don't match." or "Why don't you wear your red dress to the party?"
58. Does he/she buy you things that he/she knows you don't really want and then feel hurt if you try to tell him/her they are not what you wanted?
59. Does he/she tell you how to do your hair?
60. Does he/she start brushing your hair or changing it without asking you in a way that you would prefer he/she didn't?
61. Does he/she argue with you about your clothes or hair?
62. Do you often feel interrogated with a lot of questions like "Why is this towel here?" "Why are your shoes in the middle of the floor?" "Why did you take that glass instead of a smaller one?" "Why can't you go to her house later?"
63. Does he/she want to know who you are talking to on the telephone or chatting with on the Internet?
64. Does he/she pry in to your private life? Has he/she ever read your diary without your permission? Does he/she come into your room without knocking or waiting for you to answer?
65. Does he/she taunt you by saying things like: "If I am such a companion/partner why don't you just go live somewhere else."
66. Does he/she intimidate you with statements like, "You are going to break my heart if you do so and so." or "You are going to be the death of me."
67. Does he/she imply that you are a bad influence on other people?
68. Does he/she just expect you to do things for him/her without thanking you?
69. Does he/she say things like "What did I just tell you?" or "Were you listening to anything I just said?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"
70. Does he/she ask you questions about herself which are designed to make you feel guitly such as "Why do you hate me?" "Why do you think I am such a horrible companion/partner?"
71. Does he/she often give you the "silent treatement" to show his/her disapproval, as a form of control, or to induce guilty feelings?
72. Does he/she want you to act happy even when you are not?
73. Does he/she deny things which you know for a fact are true?
74. Does he/she take things personally when they were not meant to be about him/her?
75. Does he/she say things like "I know you better than you know yourself"?
76. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "I need you to..."?
77. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "You need to..."?
78. Does he/she often begin sentences with, "You have to..."?
79. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so paranoid?"
80. Does he/she say things like "You are too sensitive."?
81. Does he/she say things like "Don't be so dramatic."?
82. Does he/she say things like "Don't think so much."
83. Does he/she say things like "Why don't you ever smile?", "Smile," "Cheer up."?
84. Does he/she say things like, "Go ... until you can pull yourself together?", "Go ... until I tell you to come out?"
85. Does he/she say things like "With everything I do for you, the least you can do is..."?
86. Does he/she say things like "What's the problem? Why are you crying?"
87. Does he/she say things like "What's wrong with you?" ... in a judgmental or disapproving tone?
88. Does he/she say things like "You are a disgrace to the family/me"?
89. Does he/she say things like "If you want to be treated like an adult, you will have to act like one"?
90. Has he/she ever thrown things at you?
91. Does he/she tell you not to tell people about problems in the family?
92. Has he/she ever gotten angry at you for telling someone something about the family?
93. Has he/she ever gotten angry at you for telling someone you are depressed?
94. Has he/she ever told you to stop crying?
95. Does he/she often tell you to stop complaining?
96. Does he/she often complain about how your house/room looks?
97. Are there a lot of things you are afraid to tell him/her?
98. Does he/she tell you that you can't do a lot of things you want to do because you are too dumb, weak, or too immature?
99. Does he/she blame you for not being able to do the things he/she wanted to with his/her life?
100. Does he/she blame you for things which were not your fault, such as "You are the reason your best friend died." or "You are the reason your father started drinking again."
101. Have you ever seen him/her drunk?
102. Have you seen him/her drunk in the last 2 weeks?

Obviously most of the questions are tailored towards a parent-child dynamic, but I find that's what most emotionally abusive situations are like: the abuser sees themself as the superior of the abused.

I think if you can answer about 60% of the questions with a "Yes", it's safe to say you're in an emotionally abusive situation.

***If you'd like to view the unaltered original questionaire for determining if you have an emotionally abusive mother, please visit http://eqi.org and click on the link titled "Mother Test" at the bottom of the main page!

Emotional Abuse

As far as my research goes, there is no universally accepted definition of the term emotional abuse. And why not?

My guesses are:

• "Emotional" is harder to define on its own when viewed in comparison with other words like "physical", "verbal", and "child", to name a few. Physical is obviously anything relating to the body - so physical abuse is maltreatment of another person's body. Verbal simply means speech - so a verbally-abused person was attacked with harmful spoken words. But emotional? That's harder to pinpoint. After all, the way human beings experience emotions vary in intensity across the board, so maybe what I might feel is abusive towards my emotions might not be so offensive to you.
• Emotional abuse is still a sensitive subject in our society, almost taboo to discuss. It gets the least attention, most people don't really understand it, and most people underestimate its damage potential. Very few people come forward publicly declaring their experience with emotional abuse, which leaves a limited pool of samples for psychologists to study.

I've targeted my blog towards emotional abuse specifically because there's close to nothing out there in terms in personal experiences, and because I know firsthand that it's real. I don't mean to discredit physical, sexual, verbal abuse, etc. here, those experiences and opinions from those viewpoints are welcome, too - but my emphasis will be on emotional abuse. What I've learned as I began to research the subject is that emotional abuse seems to be the only type that umbrellas all of the rest. It's usually the case that a victim of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and the rest was also a victim of emotional abuse by the same abuser.

From www.deal.org, the clearest definition that I got was:

"Emotional abuse is commonly defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being. Like most forms of violence, emotional abuse is based on power and control over another person. It is probably the least understood of abuses, although it is the most prevalent and most destructive. The victim comes to see him or herself as unworthy of love, affection and respect. "

Some of the hallmarks of emotional abuse include:

-Rejecting: refusing to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth
-Degrading: insulting, ridiculing, name-calling, imitating, yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating, and labelling a person as stupid
-Ignoring
-Terrorizing: inducing terror or fear in a person, coercing by intimidation, threatening, stalking
-Isolating: physical confinement, limiting freedom, restricting normal contact with other people
-Corrupting/Exploiting: forcing someone to accept ideas and behaviours, using someone for profit

-Bullying

By this definition, it would seem like emotional abuse is so prevalent in our society that it's nothing to cry about anymore. Teachers get away with abusing their elementary school students everyday, employers berate their minions, relatives assault you and your family with snide comments at Thanksgiving dinner and by Tuesday the reunion's over until the next dreaded holiday...right?

Yes, I think emotional abuse is everywhere these days, all over the scale from mild to debilitating level. But one of the words I chose to hilight in the definition was "systematic". Emotional abuse, when it's at its most damaging, is constant and consistent by the abuser. That is the kind of abuse that robs countless numbers of people of a happy, normal functional existence in society daily.

If you're not really sold on the truth yet, try to find just one person you know who hasn't gone through any of the above.

My Story

isn't the most shocking thing you're ever going to hear. Actually, I think that it's getting more and more commonplace these days for people out there to be telling similar stories of their upbringing, which is really sad.


My biological father and mother divorced when I was four years old and my brother was two, and since then I can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand. I remember enough of him from back then to know that he was physically abusive towards my mother - apart from the stories my mother tells me about him, I recall him driving her out to a bridge one night trying to get her to commit suicide, and perforating one of her eardrums during a row. My mother moved my brother and I away from him, and remarried shortly after when I was about seven. This is where most of my memories start.

I was lucky to have a stepfather that took my brother and I as his own children and loved us accordingly. But there was never anything other than pure hatred from my mother. Growing up she made my brother and I feel as though we were meant to apologize for the biological father that we had by frightening us with stories of what he did to her in graphic detail, whether we wanted to hear them or not (and it was 99.9% of the time, an emphatic not). She insulted and teased us for inheriting most of our father's physical traits, trying to make us feel ugly and barbaric. When we brought any school grade below an A+ home to show, we were called "stupid", "retarded" - but I can't think of any one time when we were rewarded for an achievement. She finally had two children by my stepfather, and from then on we would hear nonstop about us being the throwaways. Sometimes she would hit us, but it was rare (I think, because it was so terrible and my stepfather wouldn't stand for it). I've been struck with a table lamp by her hand. I've been told several times that I'd be killed. There's too much about her for me to write here. But what made me fear her the most was her cold, indifferent and hateful stare. I got the stare whenever I cried, whenever I screamed, whenever I was sick, or whenever I looked directly at her. The last time I saw it was the day she kicked me out of her house, less than a week after my stepfather died of terminal cancer a few years ago.

I don't mean to write a pity-party blog. Sometimes that's all I do for days - pity myself. I've grown up with a low self-esteem, extreme shyness, feelings of being ugly that didn't go away until I started high school, and doubt in my capability to do anything. I've also spent a lot of time being afraid of people and the world, and distrustful of adults. I'm writing this so that, maybe a little, you can identify. Or to help shatter the myth that there's "no such thing as emotional abuse".

I'll try to tackle what emotional abuse really is in my next post.